This article is the second in a series of four articles by field specialist Beth Fleming.
Read the first article of the series
Authoritative parents expect good behavior from children. They demonstrate respect for a child’s individuality by listening, explaining rules and expectations, and helping a child learn to problem solve.
Unlike a permissive parent, they do not yield to a child’s demands nor do they try to control or force a child’s behavior like authoritarian parent. In studies of families across different cultures, “authoritative” parenting is the parenting style most associated with raising successful, well-adjusted children.
Authoritative parenting deals with misbehavior by using discipline to teach rather than ignore or force.
Sara, age 5, takes a DVD from her older sister’s room without asking and whines when told to return the movie. A permissive parent might ignore Sara and decide that it isn’t that big of a deal since she is younger than her sibling. Authoritative parenting would expect Sara to do what is right in returning the DVD, but firmly and respectfully explore with Sara appropriate ways she might be able to find future entertainment.
Carlos, age 14, struggles with math and balks at doing his homework. A permissive parent might ignore Carlos’ reluctance to study, blame the teacher or conclude that it doesn’t matter all that much. An authoritarian parent might demand that Carlos spend time each day working math problems, suggesting to Carlos’that his future success is dependent upon doing well.
Authoritative parenting would focus both on building responsibility and trying to support and develop Carlos’ interests and self-esteem. Carlos might share more about what is going on in math class, help figure out with the parent ways he can build his study habits, and help determine future rewards for improving his grade.
Authoritative parents try to incorporate these principles as they raise their children.
- Daily communication – focusing on relationship-building and expressing interest in the day-to-day activities and interests of their child.
- Setting standards and consequences - Rules and consequences are explained and carried out, respectfully and firmly. A child is expected to learn from mistakes and misbehavior.
- Self-expression - A child is encouraged to express her feelings and opinions and allowed to disagree. The adult values listening and finding ways to appropriately express strong emotions.
- Problem solving - The adult considers the child’s thoughts and point of view and helps a child think about other ways to view a situation. The adult intends to build on empathy and broaden a child’s logic and thinking capacity.
- Flexibility - The parent keeps in mind her child’s temperament, stage of development and what is going on in the child’s life as she makes decisions about discipline and expectations.
- Modeling - The parent recognizes that “do as I say, not as I do” is not an effective strategy as children move into adolescence. An adult model of both love and strength helps the child begin to internalize positive self-esteem and confidence as well as learn responsibility and achievement.
Ages and Stages and other online child development publications provide information which help parents deal with different stages of a child’s life. These Iowa State University Extension publications are also available from the Story County Extension Office.