The holidays are drawing near, and this means that families are getting together for food, fun and holiday traditions. Often family conflict can disrupt family togetherness, especially around the holiday season.
We may not communicate due to busy schedules that overlap. Tension also can mount with assumptions that ‘everybody knows what makes for happy holidays in our family.’ Try holding a family meeting this holiday to discuss gift-giving, meal menus and which celebrations to attend.
In your family, who decides which family member does which chores? How do your children receive money for what they want or need? Who decides where to go for family vacations? Starting family meetings now will help with decision-making about family gatherings around the holidays, and can become a new tradition to prevent family conflict before it ever begins.
Recent research from the Universities of Nebraska and Minnesota on the traits of strong, healthy families credits regular family meetings as a vital component to developing family connectedness. Once you start holding family meetings, you’ll likely want to have them more often! Family meetings, held on a regular basis, can become a strong communication tool by providing a forum to listen to others’ wants and needs.
Problem-solving at family meetings helps family members discover solutions that could only be determined with other family members’ input. This opportunity to contribute to family well-being is a benefit that lasts beyond the meeting time and contributes to the emotional health of parents and their children. It is important to remember that although every family member has a voice in discussions regarding schedules, chores and family decisions, the parent is still the final authority.
Three points to consider when beginning family meetings:
1) Start out slow. Establish a regular meeting time and begin and end on time. Begin with 30-minute meetings and build an agenda together for future discussions. Plan fun activities, such as a game or a snack, and begin each meeting by showing appreciation for each member of the family. For example, thank your child for cleaning their room or remembering their lunch money. After a few meetings, introduce a family calendar and times to discuss chores and share family values.
2) Set guidelines for your meetings, and make sure the children also contribute to establishing these rules. Examples of rules could be: respect others, everyone has a chance to choose chores, and if an event is not on the calendar, the family may not be able to attend. Post the guidelines on the fridge for easy reference. A general guideline for all family meetings is to avoid trying to solve only one person’s problem at your family meeting. Instead, make it as group-oriented as possible, so all members leave the meeting fulfilled.
3) Listen more, talk less. You may be surprised at how helpful children can be with problem-solving and their ideas for family ‘business.’ When they are listened to and respected, children feel valued. Involve them as leaders of family meetings. Invite children to take notes, plan a fun family activity or prepare a snack. The more each family member contributes to each meeting, the more successful they will be. Children develop successful communication skills within the family that will help them in their relationships now and in the future.
This holiday season, consider holding your first family meeting. Give each other the interactive gifts of cooperation, caring and contribution.
Below are resources for more information on family meetings:
*Bright Horizons Family Solutions, July 2006: http://www.brighthorizons.com/efamily/article.aspx?id=123;
*University of North Dakota: http://www.ag.ndsu.edu/pubs/yf/famsci/fs522w.htm
*University of Washington Extension Publication: http://www.spokane-county.wsu.edu/family/meet.htm