In May and June we celebrate Mother's and Father’s Day, but sometimes step-parents are left out of the celebrating. In fact, step-parents can feel like second class citizens.
Have you ever heard any of these comments from a step mom:
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“Everyone in his life comes before me.”
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“The children treat me like a maid.”
Or
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“I think I’m becoming the ‘cruel’ stepmother.”
The stepmother position is a delicate one, according to Donna Donald, Iowa State University (ISU) Extension Family Life Field Specialist. “She is the substitute. She is there ‘where the mom was supposed to be.’ She is often treated by the children like the substitute teacher at school…badly. This holds true for stepfathers also.”
Jeanette Lofas, President and Founder of the Stepfamily Foundation has a few suggestions for step-parents. The first and most important is for both the biological parent and the step-parent to decide just what the rules of the house are as soon as possible.
“This is not easy,” Mrs. Donald says. You may need to start by both making separate lists and then comparing them. Through discussion you will need to compromise. “Rules about discipline, chores, manners, and meals must be worked out as a partnership or they will not work.”
Second, hold a family meeting where the biological parent presents the list of rules. The kids may have some input, but no veto. Post the “rules of this house” on the refrigerator. “Believe it or not, kids like having rules and like showing them to friends,” Mrs. Donald says. “Make sure there are consequences for not following the rules and rewards for following them and that these are known to the family. Follow through and be consistent.”
Third, take time out to be a couple. Date night is highly recommended. It doesn’t need to cost a lot – just go and have some fun together – without the kids.
Lastly, if the biological parent has part-time custody, remember, you don’t have to be there all of the time. The kids need time alone with their other biological parent.
Mrs. Donald suggests that if you and your spouse are having a tough time negotiating the rule list, seek the help of a licensed therapist who has experience with stepfamilies. “Don’t give up. It can work if the proper steps are taken. Keep your sense of humor. Once it’s working, you will forget all the heartache you and the family went through.”