Parents want their children to learn to take care of their basic needs, to be responsible. But parents have work to do first, said Donna Donald, Iowa State University Extension family life field specialist.
 
"As parents, we need to think long-term, rather than short-term for our children," Mrs. Donald said. "If we want our children to be 'responsible,' we have a lot of work to do to get to that point. Parents often express their frustration generically - 'My kid?s not responsible' - when the parents hadn't thought through everything they expected the child to know and physically be able to do to accomplish a task."
 
Children will learn by watching what their parents do. First, parents must identify what they want their children to be responsible for. Then, they have to think about the knowledge and skills the child would need to have to be responsible. "It is quite unfair to expect a child to be responsible for getting himself ready to go somewhere, if he doesn't know how to put on his shoes, button his clothes or comb his hair," Mrs. Donald said.
 
"Children want some responsibility. But first they have to gain the knowledge and learn the skills so they can be responsible," she said.
 
Parents also must decide on what age the child can be expected to acquire the necessary knowledge and learn those skills. "Take for instance, the responsibility for getting dressed," Mrs. Donald said. "A toddler begins to choose clothes by color and comfort, and can get undressed, but may not be able to get dressed on her own. However, a preschooler can choose clothes, and can pretty much dress himself except for the difficult items." 
 
Mrs. Donald added, "By school age, children are dressing and choosing their own clothes with some comment from you. As they enter middle school, they also can learn how to shop for and care for clothes. Teenagers should be able to do all of this plus use good judgment in choosing specific clothes for specific occasions."
 
As children grow, they will learn to complete homework on time, get to school on time and clean up their room, among other responsibilities, Mrs. Donald said. "As you gradually give children more knowledge and the opportunity to practice these skills, they will end up showing you just how responsible they can be."
 
For more information on how children grow and develop, see ISU Extension's publication series "Ages and Stages" (PM 1530a-i) available online at http://www.extension.iastate.edu/pubs/, or contact the ISU Extension office in your county.

D. Donald 4/30/2006