How to Totally Fake Being a Geek:

Computer Systems: That elite snobbery comes out the hardest in this subject. It's easy, all you have to do is pretend to hate the mainstream choices: Windows, AOL, Intel. Assert Windows is inferior to (pick one or more) Linux, Unix, BeOS, or Macintosh. Act sympathetic upon hearing an email addy ending in "@AOL.com" and say, "Any idea when they're gonna put cable modem in your area?" Snort at Intel commercials and chortle "Give me an AMD Duron any day!" It doesn't matter, again, that you have no idea what you're talking about. When challenged for an explanation, pick any random nonsense and string it together. Insist that your choice is faster, more secure, less expensive, conductive to open source, more efficient, or whatnot. This is exactly how real live conversations between geeks defending their favorite software/hardware go all the time. The point is that you're faking an opinion. Like any random geek, you could still be full of hooey.

Now, when it comes to operating systems, the Geekosphere (I coined it! It's mine! You heard it here first!) has jelled around Linux and BSD. When it comes to Linux distros, you win points the older and more obscure your distro is. Simply look up the history of computing and pick machines and systems going back in 5-year increments; or just learn this phrase: "I run Yggdrasil on a PDP-11. Boy, it was a bitch installing all that from tape!" You'll need a snorkel to breathe underneath the pile of groupies that will sack you. *Any* BSD distro is obscure. The mere name "BSD 386" instantly repels suits like garlic repels vampires.
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Applications: While there is the obvious prejudice for emacs, vi, Gimp, Adobe, Mozilla, Firefox, and etc., you're just as well off here letting the other person name a software tool that they use, then caw, "Get a REAL program!"

Programming: Learn not only the names of these programming languages, but the order in which I present them: Basic, Cobol, Pascal, Ada, C, Java, Lisp, Perl, Python, Ruby, Assembler. These are listed in order of "least cool" to "most cool". Now you know what to do. Whenever the person you're talking to name-drops any language on this list, simply pick the next one and assert that this is what YOU prefer. What to do if you meet an assembler programmer? Act like any other geek: impressed! Bug them to teach you how to write a tic-tac-toe game that uses artificial intelligence in assembler. Stand and pretend to absorb their explanation in one shot. Shake your head in marvel and mutter, "And all that time, I was trying to do it the hard way!"

Here's another thing if you're out-trumped by somebody who knows multiple programming languages, including the coolest: make one up! Yes, it's true, there are more languages and variants out there than any human being could possibly keep track of, and new ones get invented all the time. Just call it something like "B/arg3" or "Modico" and claim that it combines the best features of (insert random language #1) and (insert random language #2). The geek you're talking to will simply assume that they've missed the relevant Slashdot articles. Cover up line: "It just reached 'break-even' point last month."

...via Digg