Setting Limits
Saying
“no” about things can be
difficult, especially when you are building a friendship with your
Little. Setting limits is an important
part of helping kids feel safe. If the
adults in their lives are consistent about what is expected of them,
they feel more secure. When we express limits clearly and consistently,
kids are more likely to respect them.
Following are
some tips on setting limits. With practice, you’ll feel
more confident and at ease. Don’t feel guilty! Remember that discussing
your expectations will teach your Little how to understand and respect
limits. In the process, you’ll be role-modeling ways for them to
express their boundaries, too.
BE
CONSISTENT
Begin setting limits early on in your relationship, so that your Little
knows what to expect. Once you’ve set a limit, stick to it. Don’t let a
concern about not being “nice” lead you to avoid limit-setting or to
backtrack. To encourage a consistent limit about money, consider having
a monthly budget—a set amount of money to spend when you are together.
This limit helps the Little realize what kinds of activities are
feasible. You can also choose to “save” up money to do a bigger,
costlier activity.
BE SPECIFIC
Be careful about setting vague limits such as “Behave yourself,” “Be
good” or “Don't make a mess!” Children will understand a limit better
if you say exactly what you want: “Talk in a whisper in the library” or
“It’s time to put the game back in the box.”
OFFER
CHOICES
In many cases, you can give your Little a limited choice. If you
suggest two options, either of which is okay with you, you’ll both get
to participate in the decision-making. Example: “We have 15 minutes
left at the museum—choose one more thing to do before we go.”
BE FIRM
On really important issues, state the limit firmly, as in “Stay with me
in the parking lot.”
“Soft” limits, on the other hand, imply to children that they have a
choice, like, “Why don't you put your toys away?”; “It’s time to go
now, okay?” and “I really wish you would finish your dinner.” Consider
whether you actually want to be offering a choice.
ACCENTUATE
THE POSITIVE
Children are more receptive to “do” than “don't.” Generally, it's
better to tell a child what to do (“Talk quietly”) rather than what not
to do (“Don't shout”).
EXPLAIN WHY
THE LIMIT IS NEEDED
Understanding the
reason
for rules helps your Little develop his own
standards of behavior. Rather than giving a long explanation that might
get tuned out, state the reason briefly, as in, “I won’t lie to your
mom for you. I think it’s important to be honest” or “Playing Lunar
Golf costs a lot of money. I don’t have enough to do that today.”
SUGGEST AN ALTERNATIVE
When you set a
limit,
try to suggest an acceptable alternative. So, you
might say, “I know you'd like to go to the movies, but it's too
expensive. We can rent a movie instead.” Another example would be to
say, “You can’t call me at work, but you can call me after dinner
tonight.” By offering alternatives, you teach your Little that her
feelings and desires are valid, even though they might conflict with a
limit you’ve set. |
