Are your kids driving you crazy this summer? Children do misbehave and the anger we feel is natural. Rather than deny our anger, we need to channel the energy anger produces into positive actions. Look for middle ground between the authoritarian “Because I said so” and the permissive “Oh, I guess it’s alright” responses. Here are some tips to help you survive.
Call time out or leave – Before your anger becomes out of control, call a time out. This helps you avoid saying or doing something you will regret. It’s okay to tell your child, “I am so mad I am going to leave the room.” Take the time to cool off so that later you can calmly explain why you are angry.
Use the word “I,” not “you” – The word “you” leads to accusations that tend to attack the child and not his or her actions: “You’re impossible! How can you be so rude?” Using “I” helps to emphasize how the child’s behavior upsets you: “I get furious when I am spoken to like that.”
Refer only to the present and to the issue at hand – Avoid making observations about the future, “You’ll never graduate at this rate,” and resorting to complaints from the past, “You’re always looking for an excuse.”
Avoid physical force and threats – You demean your child and appear as a bully when you assert your physical power over a smaller person.
Avoid long explanations – Instead of long lectures on why a child can’t do something, try “Why do you think . . .?” or “What do you want, my 20-minute explanation or my 2-minute one?” Humor can ease the tension.
Write a note to your child – Sometimes writing, a calming exercise in itself, is better than a confrontation. You can explain why you are concerned about the child’s behavior and give your child time to think before responding.
Negotiate – Not all rules are absolute. List your negotiable rules versus your non-negotiable ones. “No lying” is non-negotiable, but bedtimes on weekends might be.
Restore harmony – Sometimes a hug and an “I love you” is enough. But an apology for losing your temper may be required. Admitting you were wrong is a way to reassure children that making mistakes is okay if you acknowledge them.
For more family life information, visit the Hamilton County Extension office at (515) 832-9597 or the ISU Extension to Families Web site at www.extension.iastate.edu/families/.