Keeping Your Marriage Strong in Stressful Times
When money gets tight, life-style expectations change, or the economy is down, couple relationships are often stretched to their maximum as well. Tough times may be handled differently by spouses, and these different reactions and feelings can distance couples or enrich their responses to stressful times. Avoid giving up on your spouse because he/she acts differently than you. Check out the many ways differences can strengthen your couple relationships.
Let’s take a brief look at Iowa State University’s research on strong marriages which suggests that men and women can truly vary in the ways highly stressful times are handled. A husband’s behavior may become more negative toward his wife when there is economic stress, expressing more irritability when conflicts arise. A wife often feels less affection and satisfaction in their marriage, and may become angry and irritable as a direct result of their husband’s negative behavior toward them. Men find it difficult to talk about personal feelings and needs, and would rather “do” something than deal with the feelings, such as work longer hours than usual. Even though this may translate to the wife that her husband doesn’t care, it isn’t true. Her partner may just not be able to express his feelings in words for a variety of reasons. He doesn’t want to lose emotional control or may think that talking might hurt too much, or perhaps he has difficulty in choosing the ‘right’ words. A woman is often viewed as the person who does the most talking in a relationship. She may be the one in the marriage who expresses her feelings very easily and more freely than her partner. This easy release is a part of a person’s coping style and doesn’t mean that she is ‘out of control.’
Good communication is an important factor in getting through tough times for families. And even though it can involve some risk, it is well worth the effort to break through the wall of differences to support each other as a couple. Communication takes two to tango, and is the responsibility of both the husband and the wife. Communication includes more than talking. Couples who pay attention to listening, non-verbal expressions, and use of silence can learn how to honestly communicate with each other during tough times.
Here are seven general tips for improving family communication during tough times:
1. Give your spouse your full attention; put aside whatever you are doing (even the dishes or the newspaper!)
2. Be open and respectful of each other’s opinions even when you disagree.
3. Clarify what you don’t understand with words like: “Tell me more about ____” or “ How long have you felt this way?”
4. Relate your feelings simply and directly when it is your turn to talk.
5. Describe how a person’s behavior affects you (“I feel ____ when ___ happens”) rather than judge, blame, or evaluate (“You always make me feel ____”.
6. Be aware of how your body, tone of voice, and timing for holding the conversation might be interpreted. Problems arise when verbal and non-verbal messages are different.
7. Develop an Action Plan together to work on keeping the communication lines open between you and your spouse during times that are tough by agreeing to:
· Express frequent, sincere appreciation for your spouse’s strengths.
· Arrange to have some quality time together that involves something you both enjoy doing.
· Keep your communication open and be available to listen to unspoken feelings and a recognition when “stress strikes again.”
· See the responsibility for family decisions as shared; agree that your marriage is a team of two who together can work through any situation to find a solution and manage consequences of tough times.
· Maintain flexibility as to who does which job in a family. Share the burdens, doing what makes sense for the family, rather than worrying what makes sense to your friends.
· Make time for demonstrating love and affection for each other
Rather than see difference in your couple relationship as a lack of understanding, couples can actually use these differences to enrich the ways in which stressful times are handled. For more information on ways to keep your family strong during these tough times, go to /toughtimes/Families/. More information is also available on “Managing Tough Times” at this website.