Featured Fathers

"Daddy’s Womb” is the favorite place for Joel’s daughters, Zoe, 5 and Hava, 3. Crawling up under his shirt and snuggling or napping there epitomizes the bond these girls have with their at-home dad. Joel, a licensed psychologist and ordained minister, says “This is my call, my vocation to be the best parent I could be. What I am doing is deeply purposeful - nurturing their ‘little selves’ so they are protected in their teens.”

He and wife, Kama, a full time pastor, created this arrangement after finding their relationships stressed under the strains of dual career parenthood. “This is the way we want to be, with one person home. Of the two days I work as a counselor, Kama has one of those days with the girls and on the other, a dear friend invites them to her home to cook and do art and music activities. It takes a lot of intentionality to make this work. I am more gifted as a stay-at-home parent dealing with temper tantrums, reinforcing good behavior and always learning about how to & not to discipline. She is gifted at dealing with high stress situations and setting boundaries to preserve the family. Working outside the home part-time is healthier for me and for us.”

Family rituals include evening meal, bedtime prayers and back rubs (spider walks) before the girls are tucked into their own beds. Saturday morning Sabbath includes Eastern Orthodox icons, an Anglican rosary, a Bible and a candle. Joel & Kama read psalms, strategically leaving out words for the girls to fill in.

At-home dads face external and internal challenges. “It is hard to not let the frustration with other’s perceptions about the role reversal contaminate my thoughts. It makes me angry when men accuse me of abdicating the family leadership. Or when women call me Mr. Mom or Stay-at-home-mom. If my child is sick, I sometimes get
funny looks, whereas my female colleagues would not get such glances (in the same situation).

The book, The Second Shift, (Hochschild, 1989) was helpful in shaping Joel’s approach to at-home fatherhood. “It can be lonely at times. There is no manual for this kind of partnership. It is never 50/50. I’ve struggled at times with the non-traditional roles and the unique dynamics they create for us as individuals and as a couple.

Joel’s advice to others navigating non-traditional waters: “Know what you are doing with your kids. Your instincts and experience may not be enough. Educate yourself. Work at it. Make it your job. Be prepared for resistance – spoken and unspoken from your extended family, co-workers.”

“This arrangement produces long term satisfaction. I see so many people whose lifestyle is an addiction. Don’t let the profit & production culture seduce you. Don’t buy into the lie that more stuff will make you happier. Make choices that have meaning and purpose for your life. Be true to yourself and to your family. Keep your priorities straight.”

For Joel, real life happens with Zoe and Hava (Greek and Hebrew names meaning ‘Life’).