by Terry L. Besser
Assistant Professor and Extension Sociologist
Iowa State University
Conflict is part of life. Wherever there are at least two people, there will be some conflict. The trick is not to prevent conflict (that's impossible, and undesirable), but to handle it constructively, and keep it from leading to lasting antagonisms between people. In a previous column, I described how disagreements can become antagonisms. In this article, I will present ways to prevent damaging antagonisms.
Don't try to bury disagreements. Disagreements don't just go away. They must be faced, talked about and resolved before they disappear. When disagreements are ignored, they breed a festering anger that eventually grows to be more troublesome than the disagreement that caused it. Some people would rather pretend that everything in their marriage, friendship, or community is harmonious and pleasant. They mistakenly think that disagreeing is a sign of failure.
Actually the opposite is true. A good marriage is one where partners can disagree without anger. Healthy communities have heated disagreements between citizens who continue to respect and interact with each other.
All residents of a community need regular opportunities to express their attitudes, feelings and disagreements about community matters. People who belong to local organizations, or are involved in other ways, get frequent chances to express their opinions about community affairs. An important step, then, in preventing antagonisms within a community is for local organizations to vigorously recruit and involve new members, especially people who might not typically belong.
A variety of alternative avenues for tapping local sentiment should be utilized. Town meetings or neighborhood meetings can be an effective way for people to get together to talk about their concerns. These meetings can be a safety valve for conflict by airing disagreements before they become antagonisms.
The local newspaper has a role to play, too. Editors can encourage people to write about their opinions regarding community issues by having a record of presenting fairly all sides of a dispute, by seeking out opposing views, and by acting as a source of unbiased facts. In addition, newspapers must sometimes bring an unpleasant subject into the public domain for examination and discussion over the objections of those who think talking about the matter will make it real and ignoring it will make it go away.
Get to know your enemy. Getting to know your enemy is a military tactic intended to help win wars (or sporting events, etc.). In this case, however, I'm suggesting that getting to know your enemy is a way to prevent war, and fights, and antagonisms. The more we "really" know about a person the less likely she or he will be viewed as an enemy. Most people actually agree on more things than they disagree on. Two people might disagree on whether to build a recreation center in town, but agree on the importance of education, the value of neighborhood parks and the advantage of garage door openers.
Fight by the rules. It's very tempting during a dispute to get off the topic, dredge up ancient history, the personal blemishes of your opponent and the sorry state of your life in general to win the disagreement. A better course is to follow these techniques for disagreeing effectively.
Set a specific time and place where you can talk about the disagreement without interruptions. This will also give you time to cool down, and think about your position.
Stick to the subject. State specific reasons for your position, such as why you prefer to wait to buy a new car until next year, or why you oppose a law requiring cats to be licensed.
Listen to your opponent's position.
Keep personalities out of the discussion.
The key to preventing destructive antagonisms is to keep talking and listening to each other in a civil manner, and remember all the other's good qualities. Look for common ground, compromise, or agree to disagree as friends. If none of these are possible, consider the services of a mediator or facilitator. The Iowa Mediation Service (1025 Ashworth Road, West Des Moines, (515) 223-2318), and local clergy can suggest resources to help with interpersonal conflicts. For community level disagreements, consult with your local County Extension Director for assistance in identifying sources of help.
Contacts:
Terry L. Besser, ISU
Extension Sociology, (515) 294-6508
Del Marks, ISU Extension
Communication Systems, (515) 294-9807
