by Terry L. Besser
Assistant Professor and Extension Sociologist
Iowa State University
Healthy relationships, whether in a community or in a marriage, involve disagreements. If you know a couple who says they never disagree and never argue, worry about them. People who never disagree either don't care enough about the other people involved to take the time and energy to disagree--or they're holding in, not expressing their disagreements. When this happens the disagreement will lead to growing, festering anger that will eventually erupt in an explosive confrontation, sometimes over a seemingly trivial matter. Neither situation is healthy, not in a marriage and not in a community.
Disagreements don't have to lead to violence, or the creation of long standing antagonisms between people. In another article I will examine how poeple and communities can deal constructively with disagreements. Today's article will address the stages leading from disagreement to antagonism. By knowing what usually happens, we're in a better position to deal with conflict effectively and use it to renew and invigorate our communities and relationships.
In the beginning, there is a disagreement--a difference of opinion about something. Between two people it could be the choice of which new car to buy; in a community it might be about whether to build a new school. In the escalation of conflict from difference of opinion to extreme antagonism, this is the progression of events.
1. Change in the subject of the disagreement. Initially the subject was the car choice, or the new school building. Later the subject changes, becoming "you always get your way" and "some groups are always against spending for children."
"And another thing I don't like about you...." People sometimes use the occasion of the disagreement to bring out all the old grievances that they were willing to live with before the harmony between them was upset. Also, new and different issues might be raised to rally the support of previously uninvolved bystanders.
2. Personal attacks. It's at this point where personal attacks frequently are employed. "My worthy opponent is not only in favor of high taxes, but also is a former communist and cheats on her husband." Personal attacks often occur in political campaigns where there is not enough substantive differences in the candidates to arouse the interest of the large, generally passive, majority. In families and friendships, conflict also can progress to the level of personal attacks. "Not only is your choice of a car wrong, but you're an idiot as well."
3. The resulting hostility lingers and becomes detached from the disagreement. Once this process of bringing in new issues and personal attacks gets going, it can generate hostility between people that will last past the settlement of the initial disagreement. The hostility takes on a life of its own. People may even forget the original source of the disagreement, while still harboring the hatred they developed during the dispute.
4. Polarization of social relations. As the conflict develops, people on each side organize or, minimally, interact exclusively with people of like mind. By interacting only with people of similar views, opponents reinforce each other's attitudes and ideas. They are less likely to be challenged by reality checks from skeptical listeners. Antagonistic statements incite greater antagonism in listeners, whose enthusiastic response incites both other listeners and the speaker to still higher levels of antagonism. Conflict in marriages reaches this point when both partners interact only with friends and relatives who always were convinced of the unworthiness of the spouse.
This is a very dangerous stage for communities, and for the longevity of marriages. Extreme views are mutually reinforced within the group and the intensity of emotion escalates. Those who don't feel so strongly abou the issue, or have differing vews, leave the group, are branded as traitors and are ortracized or are converted to the cause.
5. Gresham's Law of Conflict: Harmful and dangerous forces drive out those that would keep the conflict within bounds. The drive to ruin replaces the will to win. There are community and interpersonal standards that define what is permissible behavior in disagreements. A group (or a person) that has reached this stage in the progression of conflict will not feel bound by rules of conduct.
As indicated previously, disagreements do not inevitably lead to Gresham's Law stage. A quick review of the steps reveals several places where interventions could defuse the situation. More about that another time. If you would like more information about the stages in conflict, or about how to handle conflict, refer to James Coleman's Community Conflict (1954, it's a classic) or Alan Filley's Interpersonal Conflict Resolution. Both are available through your local library. Also you can contact the Iowa Mediation Service (1025 Ashworth Road., West Des Moines, 515-233-2318) for information on dispute resolution. This organization provides speakers and workshops on conflict resolution at low cost.
Contacts:
Terry L. Besser, ISU
Extension Sociology, (515) 294-6508
Del Marks, ISU Extension
Communication Systems, (515) 294-9807
