By: Beverly Berna
ISU Extension Families Specialist
Lying is one of those behaviors that really shakes parents up, and in the long run can undermine trust. However, the age of the child is a major consideration in deciding what to make of a child’s lying, according to Beverly Berna, Extension Families Specialist. For example, preschool children do not understand the difference between truth and fantasy, so sometimes they tell whopping tales without any sense that they are “lying”. Even after children learn to distinguish between truth and fiction, it takes a while for them to learn the value of honesty. Many times lying is a ways to avoid getting in trouble for doing something naughty – the classic, “I didn’t do it!” kind of lie.
Children also may pick up a common adult pattern of telling so-called “little white lies” to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. It must be confusing to children to try to understand adult values about honesty! Sometimes parents press adolescents so hard that they are inclined to lie as a way of maintaining some age-appropriate privacy. A persistent pattern of lying can be a risk sign. In older children and adolescents, lying may be a way of covering up troublesome behavior, such as drug use. And in children if any age, chronic lying may be a symptom of deep insecurity or family problems. In such cases, it is important to seek professional counseling.
Here are a few tips for parents to ensure that our children learn the values of honesty:
Model honesty in our own behavior – what message are we giving our children if we ask them to tell a caller that we are not home when we’re sitting right in the next room?
Specifically teach honesty as a value that you hold in your family – understand that children are not born knowing that honesty is a good thing. It is a virtue that requires careful teaching.
Teach the concept of trust – letting children know that when they lie we lose trust in them. The danger is that when they tell the truth we won’t believe them – just like “The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf.”
Make truthfulness worthwhile – when a child gets up the courage to admit a wrongdoing, we should sincerely thank them for being honest. Of course, we still have to deal with the wrongdoing, but flying off the handle will only make the child reluctant to tell the truth the next time.
When a child does lie, confront it consistently – clearly and firmly tell the child that lying is not acceptable. Remind them that we lose trust when they are dishonest, and if the situation is serious enough, impose a reasonable consequence such as loss of a privilege. Over time our children will see that it pays to be honest and the relationships work best on a foundation of trust.