Whether due to a natural disaster, a plant closing or other circumstance, many Iowa families are facing financial concerns that are causing changes in how they live. Dealing with these changes isn’t easy for adults or children, an Iowa State University Extension specialist says.
People become used to a certain lifestyle or quality of life and rarely think about the potential for it to end, says Donna K. Donald, ISU Extension Family Life Field Specialist. It’s human nature to resist and fear changes when income is reduced or lifestyle or location must change. Adults often try to keep these difficulties from children, hoping that they either won’t really notice or that they will not be bothered by it, Mrs. Donald said. It’s easy for adults to become so absorbed in their difficulties that they forget the rest of the family might be in pain also.
“When adults keep information from their children, they open the door for mixed messages, confusion and tension,” Mrs. Donald said. “Kids are able to pick up on the tension and stress that the adults are experiencing. They know something is wrong, even though they may not know what it is. They may think that they are somehow to blame. Children may hear you say things are OK, but see the distress in your face, hear it in the tone of your voice and experience it in your lack of patience with them and others.” Parents should admit their concerns to their children and stress their abilities to cope with the situation, Mrs. Donald said.
Change Affects Everyone
Whenever major changes happen to a family, everyone in the family is affected in some way. How the change affects each family member depends on the person’s age and ability to understand the seriousness of the situation, personality, how he or she copes with distressing news and the severity of the change.
Mrs. Donald said, “In most cases, it is best to be honest and open with your family about what is happening. Think about what message you want to send to your children. Express your feelings in simple words and reassure your children that you are in charge of the problem and they are not. Tell them the family will need to make some changes, and you will appreciate their cooperation.”
Adults Make The Decisions
Mrs. Donald suggests telling children they will be involved in the discussion, but that the adults will need to make difficult decisions that are in the interest of the entire family. Not everyone will appreciate every decision. “Let your children know their ideas are welcome. Appreciate their help and do not ridicule their ideas, regardless of what they are. Point out the helpful parts and explain why other parts are not workable. And most of all, listen,” Mrs. Donald said.
Point out what will remain the same, as well as what will change. There may be fewer trips. Spending may be limited to what is really needed and new fall clothes may not be a priority. Ask children to be patient. “It’s your job to worry about money, jobs and housing. It’s their job to do well in school and help out wherever possible at home,” Mrs. Donald said. “And don’t panic. This situation may be the most difficult one you’ve had to face, but it’s an opportunity to teach your children how to handle problems and move on in life. This may be the greatest lesson they ever observe you teaching them.”
For more information on family communication and dealing with family stress, contact the ISU Extension Office in Decatur County at 641-446-4723.