A mom called recently, totally exhausted with her young child’s use of temper tantrums to get her way. Janet Brown, ISU Extension Family Life Field Specialist, stresses that understanding the reasons behind a child’s emotional intensity can help you respond more effectively to a tantrum.
Temperamentally, children are all different – some being very passive while some are explosive. Children who are high on the intensity scale are often prone to extreme emotional outbursts. These “temper tantrums” are so intense, parents often feel overwhelmed. When the tantrums are frequent, parents can also become angry and exasperated—wondering why their child has to react so strongly to things that seem so ordinary to them. Why does their child act like it’s the end of the world and then subject everyone to a screaming fit?
Therapists Jennifer Brown and Pam Provonsha Hopkins, authors of What Angry Kids Need: Parenting Your Angry Child Without Going Mad, point out that parents commonly discount the intensity behind a child’s feelings because they view the world through an adult lens; they forget to account for a child’s lack of experience and maturity. A young child doesn’t necessarily understand that the park will still be there tomorrow and that opportunities for playing will abound. To a child, it feels like leaving forever. Brown and Hopkins offer the following examples for equivalent child and adult reactions.
A two year olds reaction to losing a toy momentarily to another child is equivalent to an adult having his car stolen. A six year old’s reaction to having to stop his fun play date may be equivalent to an adult saying goodbye to a family member who is going overseas. A 12-year old’s reaction to not getting chosen for the baseball team two years in a row would be equivalent to an adult getting passed over for a promotion 10 years in a row.
Thinking about a child’s distress this way makes it easier to be empathetic. It is easy to dismiss a child’s reaction as unreasonable and to belittle his emotional experience. Instead, your child will benefit enormously if you offer support and guidance for finding a way through the situation by looking at the situation through their eyes.
(adapted with permission from Parenting Press, 2008)
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Rosemary
9/3/2008